“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” Lance Armstrong
Medicine has evolved. Almost any medical problem has a solution and the pain from surgery can be obliterated with pain killers. The problem now becomes a different one: managing pain, living a normal life and still maintaining high quality standards of work and production.
My story is simple. Many of us working in IT end up with hand problems. Serious ones. Demanding jobs, long hours, intense keyboarding, lack of ergonomic equipment and bad habits added up; and in my case, began a crippling effect. In a matter of 3 years my hands were weak, in pain and unreliable. I was sent to physical therapy. During the following eight months I received six shots per hand and eventually underwent four surgeries. Another year went by and was receiving a cortisone shot per wrist every month and with the help of physical therapy, I regained some strength and range of motion. There were two more surgeries pending but were temporarily postponed to allow healing time. The tendons of my wrists had been stripped of the scar tissue and now they were developing cysts around them. My hands were no longer reliable; the swelling and stiffness was constant and became a way of life. All along, the anti-inflammatory and pain killers prescribed were no longer managing my pain; now they managed my life. It seemed as if I lived my day on a permanent haze. Shortly after the surgeries, I was laid off. At that point, the hand surgeon admitted that even if we went ahead with the next set of surgeries, there was no guarantee that there would be any improvement.
I underwent numerous and painfull tests to detemine further actions; eventually, my condition was categorized as 'permanent and stationary' and the State declared me disabled. The stigma attached to this label is depressing. Now I faced the task of searching for a job... with the caveat that I needed to disclose my disabled status upfront. This would allow my employer to understand and facilitate for special treatment and needs. For example, I could not lift anything over 10 pounds and I could not keyboard for more than 15 minutes at a time. So much for all the schooling and experience managing networks, configuring LANs and programming. So my job search had to be outside of my network of references and expertise. Because of the need for pain medications I chose to look only for part time jobs. I had to prove to myself that I was coordinated enough to hook, clip, zip, and tie my clothing ... and could drive to and from work. Those were immediate hurdles I needed to overcome.
It took a long time but I found a job. Teaching crafts. Of course! But the amount of prescribed drugs I had to take to stay pain free was unbelievable. I swear I was forgetting a few consonants! This is why I decided to reduce the intake of pain killers and increase my threshold of pain. And I did. It took a year to reach my goal. Very complicated, frustrating and sooo hard. And I still struggle with pain management. Yes, I still have to take pain pills, but I chose to bare the pain much longer. I am awkward, my hands fail at simple tasks, I had to become very resourceful and 'invent' ways of accomplishing them; I use many tools in unorthodox ways and accept the humbling realization that this is a condition I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Some days I cannot tie my shoes, pour a cup of coffee or type an e-mail. Other days I am OK, so I do the best I can when I can use my hands.
I am choosing to live my life with pain.
I am choosing to live my life with pain.
